Saturday, July 16, 2016

We Are Not Alone

At this point in my journey, I no longer think as much about my infertility, my childlessness, or my miscarriage. I am mostly at peace and I enjoy my life, as it is, with the freedoms as well as the missed experiences. I accept my life as is and don't dwell too often on what's missing.

However, sometimes a situation comes along that brings you right back into the fold of of TTC. My friend revealed to a small group of us that she recently suffered a miscarriage. Of course, all the normal feelings accompany that. She is worried that she will never have children, she knows it wasn't her fault but still feels like she should have been able to do something. During this conversation, another older friend of ours mentioned that she had been trying but had not gotten pregnant. This started a whole conversation about miscarriage, infertility, treatments, and childless options.

First, I want to talk about my wonderful, courageous friend. She is obviously still hurting, as we all would be or have been in that situation. She is talking about it though because she felt so alone even though she knows that most have either had one or someone close to them has. We are not alone, but nobody talks about it which is why she has decided to speak up. I love her for this. Her mother went through menopause in her 30's so she is understandable worried that she will not get pregnant again or will continue to have miscarriages. Knowing what I know, I can't tell her not to worry or assure her she will be a mom or any of that nonsense that people who don't know like to say. I can tell her that I am sorry, that all her feelings are valid and she can always talk to me, anytime she needs me. I hope for her, that she will get pregnant again when she is ready and that pregnancy will give her a healthy little human. But if it doesn't, she knows she has someone who understands.

Now my next friend. She's older, although could be younger than me, I don't really know. She just got married last year and was open about them trying. I am so glad the conversation was started because I was able to give her a lot of information about testing, fertility treatments, etc. I don't know how long they have been trying, but I know she is over 35 so she should probably think about at least getting a semen analysis. It was probably a little overwhelming for her but she was asking questions so I know she wanted the information. Knowledge is power.

And now me. All the feels, for real, yo. I was able to get through it without too much sadness and very little crying. That sounds odd, but felt like a win for me. Most of my sadness was for my friend, because I still remember how the whole process felt. The desperation, the pain, the sadness, the guilt, the jealousy. All of it came right back, and I completely knew how my friend was feeling. On the other side, I felt a little bit of jealousy as well, because both of these women, while worried, are not completely hopeless like I am at this time. That hopelessness is a blessing and a curse. I know most of you understand that more than you would like to.

Ahh, life.