Sunday, April 30, 2017

Abusive Relationship

I think I am just now realizing that my marriage is verbally abusive.

I don't know how to get out. Small town and I have nowhere to go without leaving town and subsequently my job.

We have business together. Not sure how to proceed without going bankrupt. Feel like I have no options and I'm stuck.

I often wish he would just leave me, but I'm his money ticket. He's successfully drained my extra cash and made it next to impossible for me to leave him.

I've successfully pushed every friend away, and am too ashamed to share this with my closer friends and family. I'm alone and it's my own damn fault.

I guess the first step was recognizing this. The next step is to work on my own happiness and self esteem.

Not sure where I'll go from there, but it's a start.


  1. I'm so sorry you are in this untenable situation. Would you consider talking to a therapist? Maybe there is a way out. I wish you luck and happiness.

  2. I'm sorry you are in this situation. My parents were married for 32 years and their divorce was finalized last week. Right away my mom saw a therapist and then a lawyer to find out her options. So that would be my recommendation. Usually a consultation with a lawyer is free and you come away with some good information. Good luck.

  3. Oh goodness. I'm so sorry you've realised this, but if it is the case, I'm so pleased that you have recognised it, and can now make a start to protecting yourself. That's the key - protect yourself, and don't underestimate the abusive partner. I know we can't help from so far away - but we can listen. Also, please don't feel ashamed about it - you're not the abusive one. And abusive people are very very clever at manipulating others.

    Take care.

  4. I am sorry to read in what situation you are in. But it is a start of solving the situation - that you recognized it.

    The key question that you have to ask yourself is - Do I want to live like this for another 50 years? And if the answer is no, you definetely need to do something about it.

    Wishing you all the best.

    sending you lots of love from sLOVEnia.


  5. Sending love and support! Please don't blame yourself for any of this, even pulling back from your friends. He made you do this. Here to listen anytime.

    For all of the reasons that you described, it's going to be challenging. Because I'm a rediculously practical person, I'd start with setting up an email account that he doesn't know about (and only checking it on a browser with incognito mode activated). Next, I'd find a lawyer and start to plan your exit. I'd also start to stock away as much cash as you can, even if just a few dollars at a time (because unfortunately you can't do anything without money). Because he's abusive, it would be great if you could do what Katie Holmes did to Tom Cruise, and tell you want a divorce, serve the papers, and move out on the same day.

  6. All the above comments & suggestions go for me as well. You are not the first person, online or IRL, that I've heard a similar story from (not even this week!!)(and I sadly suspect you won't be the last)... it's not an easy thing to walk away from a relationship you've invested so much time and energy in, but I can tell you I haven't yet heard of anyone who regretted making that decision. Sending (((hugs))). We are here to listen!

  7. Friends you think you've alienated may be relieved to hear from you. Abusers are very good at alienating their victims and making them feel like they have no other options. You always have options. Bankruptcy is better than living with someone who doesn't treat you right. Speak with a lawyer and please keep us posted, I know you feel like you can't share this with people but please know that there are people that will stick it out with you.

  8. I am so sorry, that is a horrible situation to be in. My first marriage was abusive and the hardest part was realizing that I was in that situation and that I deserved better (unfortunately for me, it took him cheating for me to feel the situation was "worthy" of leaving). I can tell you that when I contacted friends I had distanced myself from (thanks to him) they had recognized it far earlier and were so glad to hear that I was planning to leave. I keep a bag in my closet of all the cards I got around the time I was planning to leave as reminders that I am worthy of more, that no one left me when I felt so alone, and how sad it is now to realize that they were all supporting me in part because they were afraid I'd change my mind and go back.

    Abusive people really are so good at manipulating you and those around you, and destroying your sense of worth and independence. You deserve more. I would caution you to find a good lawyer, in my haste to get things going I picked one who was unethical and drained me of what little money I had left, and I ended up getting served with papers. I felt I couldn't switch to a different attorney because I couldn't afford it, but it would have been cheaper. Be sure you have a good one, because that amplified a bad situation.

    I love BNB's recommendations. Smart. I hope you can extricate yourself from this situation and start a life where you don't feel isolated and beaten down. Verbal abuse is awful because it makes you feel like "it's not that bad, right?" when actually it's incredibly damaging (and can lead to physical abuse). Support and love to you as you navigate this twist.


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